The proof is in the pictures. You can lie all you want about being tall or thin but since online dating seems to be all about judging pictures to determine whether conversation should be initiated, I guess I can't get too mad about it. I will be the first to admit, my pictures on OK Cupid don't exactly paint me in the best light (my main picture is me holding a pool cue and a glass of wine thrusting my upper body out like I was the after picture of a boob-job infomercial) but my profile is somewhat cheeky and I come off as pretty stable in any correspondence. So when I received a message from a pretty friendly guy who wanted to meet for drinks and discuss the greatness of 80's hair bands in the Richmond I figured why the hell not.
Random Duran Duran...because I said so
This guy was early 20's and very new to online dating. I attributed his fidgeting and tendency to repeat himself as nerves and didn't judge him for it. This isn't a story about the date itself - it's about everything that came after. He was sweet but I wasn't really interested in seeing him again. He sent me a text 15 minutes after our date ended asking for another one which I very politely (I know, I'm shocked too) declined. I thought that was the end of it until a couple hours later when I suddenly had 10 texts from a number that I didn't recognize. Scared that it was an emergency, I awoke to read the messages....or rather, stare dumbfounded at the various pictures of someone's penis. Yep - 10 pictures of someone's junk from various angles. It wasn't even impressive junk either. I laughed, and laughed, and briefly thought about posting every single picture on Craigslist's Missed Connections (Cock and balls seeks playful brunette for good times and cuddling? Must like short guys...).
Ok, I'm no prude - I've been to Burning Man, so there isn't much that can surprise me anymore. I racked my mind trying to think of who could have sent these to me and then I recognized the Chinese-character tattoo on his right wrist (1996 called - they want their douchy tattoo back). It was the guy I just had the date with. Now because I: a) thought this guy was sweet but VERY misguided and b) probably super drunk, I decided to ultimately ignore the texts and go back to sleep. I awoke the next morning to a very apologetic text message from the Exhibitionist's phone. "I am soooo sorry about the pictures. I was drunk, my roommate's phone has better camera quality and I was upset that you didn't want to go out again..." It was time to teach this kid a lesson, "Oh, that was you? I posted those pictures on Craigslist. I figured the men seeking men section would be a great place to advertise". Wait for it.....10 seconds later, "What?!? Oh my god, my tattoo! People will recognize me. How could you? Please, please take them down!" Ok, I think he got it. "I never put them on online and I recognized your tattoo. I knew it was you. It's ok, just tone it down a bit next time." I felt like I just did a public service but come on, really? It's common sense to NOT have naked pictures of yourself floating out there. I got a text back a few minutes later, "thanks! I knew you'd understand. So, do you wanna go to dinner with me tomorrow night?" Wow! It took me about five minutes to stop laughing before i could respond. "Uh, no. I'm good. Best of luck with this" and I immediately blocked his and the roommate's number.
I wanted to share this because I simply couldn't resist and I had too many people laugh out loud when I tell this story at the bar. Still, I have been Googling myself to make sure none of my Burning Man pics have slipped out....you never know when the boobs in the picture could be yours!
Ok, I'm no prude - I've been to Burning Man, so there isn't much that can surprise me anymore. I racked my mind trying to think of who could have sent these to me and then I recognized the Chinese-character tattoo on his right wrist (1996 called - they want their douchy tattoo back). It was the guy I just had the date with. Now because I: a) thought this guy was sweet but VERY misguided and b) probably super drunk, I decided to ultimately ignore the texts and go back to sleep. I awoke the next morning to a very apologetic text message from the Exhibitionist's phone. "I am soooo sorry about the pictures. I was drunk, my roommate's phone has better camera quality and I was upset that you didn't want to go out again..." It was time to teach this kid a lesson, "Oh, that was you? I posted those pictures on Craigslist. I figured the men seeking men section would be a great place to advertise". Wait for it.....10 seconds later, "What?!? Oh my god, my tattoo! People will recognize me. How could you? Please, please take them down!" Ok, I think he got it. "I never put them on online and I recognized your tattoo. I knew it was you. It's ok, just tone it down a bit next time." I felt like I just did a public service but come on, really? It's common sense to NOT have naked pictures of yourself floating out there. I got a text back a few minutes later, "thanks! I knew you'd understand. So, do you wanna go to dinner with me tomorrow night?" Wow! It took me about five minutes to stop laughing before i could respond. "Uh, no. I'm good. Best of luck with this" and I immediately blocked his and the roommate's number.
I wanted to share this because I simply couldn't resist and I had too many people laugh out loud when I tell this story at the bar. Still, I have been Googling myself to make sure none of my Burning Man pics have slipped out....you never know when the boobs in the picture could be yours!
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