Trivia Is for Jerks...Yeah, I said It

March 17, 2012

*I write this with the acknowledgment that I am a trivia expert and thus, a complete jerk...possibly bordering on asshole.

Trivia Guy was one of those men who was very sure of himself. "You hop on this ride or you go f&*k yourself" seemed to be this guy's motto. Of course, I didn't find this out until way later....

He messaged me by wittily responding to my quip in my Ok Cupid profile regarding Hall & Oates and we quickly agreed to meet at Buck Tavern simply because they had trivia on Sunday nights. This particular Sunday also happened to be the Academy Awards and you know what that means - movie trivia bitches! Anyone who knows me knows that I spent a big chunk of my early childhood watching shows and movies I shouldn't. Needless to say, I was going to kick some ass tonight.

Trivia Guy was 15 minutes late and couldn't be more bored. He had that look of a veteran online dater - aloof, clock-watching, sets of questions so practiced he doesn't even try to hide his annoyance at being on another first date. I would have been insulted if he didn't look so miserable.

Like this...without the Asian part.....

The next three hours turned into a bullshit knowledge slugfest. Not only were we dominating everyone else in the bar but we also had the best team name, "Stay out of my vagina Santorum!" (this will NOT be relevant in six months). Because of the domination, we turned on each other. Trivia Guy told me about getting his MBA because he was "bored" (that son-of-a-bitch...) and how he's owned a handful of restaurants by his early 30's. I mentioned that I had beat disease, debt and Burning Man while building an army of friends and party acquaintances (you always bring up your good times to stick it to bastards who spend all their time studying or working 100 hour weeks). Surprisingly, he got the joke and seemed to relax a little (that was probably the beer). He seemed to be impressed that even though I didn't have a doctorate, I could still hold my own and I was glad to see that this was an insecure guy who was burned out with people.

We won trivia easily and eventually became sick of trying to one-up each other - so the indirect negotiations for sex had begun. This is a little known fact in the dating world. When enough alcohol is involved and a guy thinks he even has a shot, he'll take it. Did I mention that I work for Attorneys? I could see this coming a mile away and read his moves before he did. It's always the same:

Let the woman see you as vulnerable - after all, you need love too and are probably just misunderstood. This is usually accompanied by the line, "It's been a while since I've felt enough of a connection with any woman to sleep with her but I feel that we have something special".
Mention often how close your apartment is....and how far away her place is (no example needed)
Go in for the kiss immediately upon exiting the bar/restaurant/park bathroom and work yourself up so much, so quickly that you can pull the line, "you're not going to leave me like this, are you?" So yay, you've made her feel bad about YOUR short trigger so she must now go home with you to have super-bad sex and allow you to kick her out to walk to BART at 1 a.m.

Knowing the moves ahead of time allowed me to deflect and insist that I was the good girl (yep, I played that card because assholes need to be teased and tortured). Besides, I had no problem working up some douchebag and walking away - pleading line from Trivia Guy and all. So as I walked down to my train after a half-assed promise to meet at the bar next week to defend our title, I pointedly looked at his crotch and said, "have fun with that tonight" and walked away. Was it bitchy? You betcha! Do I make it a habit to leave guys sexually frustrated? NO, just douchebags like this guy. I felt like it was my civic duty or something.

Interestingly enough, I had a good time on this date. There's something about successfully defending yourself and your "lack" of things like education or world experience that makes you appreciate yourself more....oh, and the number one male name in the United States is Michael. See, you learn something new every day....