Intro…Or My Addict Meeting Speech

Hi, I’m Der Commander and I am a dating newbie (pause for AA-esque, “Hi Der Commander”). I guess a little history is in order. Let me start by saying I’m not a bad looking chick, I promise. I’ve been told I’m statuesque, bewitching, cute, bee-you-tee-full (I believe these people were under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or Funions) I, on the other hand, think I kind of look like a taller Daria – complete with smartass smirk and awkward glasses.   

I’m working on the arm-crossing thing

I’ve had my share of relationships so I guess you could refer to me as a monogomist. They’ve lasted anywhere from 6 months to 3 years and I’ve just kinda fell into them. I’ve had my heart ripped out of my ass and have done the same; I’ve had relationships that fade away into interesting friendships and a couple where speaking terms aren’t possible because they’ve dropped off the face of the Earth…or moved to Oakland. In fact, I can’t remember ever going on an actual “date” in the traditional sense. I’ve “hung out” and “done stuff” (I grew up in the 90’s, shut up) but haven’t actually dated more than one person at a time. I’ve learned something from every relationship I’ve had and I’m (finally) ready to keep trying. I’m not doing this because of some soul-crushing breakup or revenge – this is trying to figure out how socially awkward people can Win at dating/attracting people/ordering coffee without being an asshat.

Disclaimer – RANT! I need to say this now – I love men! They’re the best and it drives me insane when I hear desperate single girl shit like “All the good men are taken or gay!” No, they’re not, you just aren’t interesting to them. So drop the Coach purse and get a damn hobby! Ok whew, that felt better. (Single guy friends – you’re welcome!)

Before I jumped into the world of hunting so to speak, I had to figure out my tools to succeed. Unfortunately, a push-up bra and a love of burritos and football wasn’t going to cut it. I had to (yikes!) look at my personality flaws and work on fixing them. Since I’m not ready to divulge my personal growth obsession yet (oh, shit!), I needed to find ways to reverse engineer my flaws to make them work for me. You know, MacGyver style!

 ..but without the bomb made from a toilet paper roll and the cool hair!