My first stop in the land of online dating is the Wal-Mart of dating sites, match.com. From my research and friend consensus (don't worry, I won't "out" you guys who are on there), this seems to be the best site...or the lesser of the evils. To put it in perspective, it's like the Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich episode of South Park (I'd attach a link but I'm writing this at work. You try to explain to legal IT why you're searching for "turd sandwich" and then you can judge!).
My profile is goofy and that's the point. It's complete with pictures at Santacon, a full body shot (because I know guys get so T.O.'d when there isn't one) and a picture of me helping to locate Lionel Richie.
Part of this experiment is to see which profiles get the most response: goofy (closest to the actual me), serious (holding babies and pictures of me at other peoples weddings), sexy (pictures holding pool cues and other cylindrical objects), unhinged (probably should include lot of pictures of teddy bears and vodka bottles for that one).
Initial Impressions about Match:
- Every. Single. Guy...is a world traveler. Seriously, where in the hell do these guys get the money to ditch work for 6 months to surf in Bali? I'm guessing "Marketing Entrepreneur" is slang for living off of mommy and daddy's dime. Delete!
- Wholly crap there are a lot of older, balding fat guys who truly believe they have a shot with any woman under 30. They will flood your inbox, sending the exact same email over and over again. Luckily you can block these douchesticks on Match. Good luck guy...and yeah, I want fries with that.
- Men, please please stop lying about height. Seriously, women don't want men shorter than they are. If you're really short - go for Asian chicks. But since you won't, I've devised a simple formula - whatever height they list, minus two inches. And ladies, if you really want to be a dick, wear you highest heels (guilty!! *raises hand like a drag queen*). Women, stop lying about weight. You aren't fooling anyone.
- Just like in the real world, people are shy online too. Sometimes they're just terrible writers or insanely awkward. Be wary of the good writers, this isn't their first rodeo...
- If you're even slightly cute, funny or a decent conversationalist you CAN get laid using this medium. Seriously, pack your condoms kids (ladies - bring different sizes. Awkward!!!!)
It's been six days and I've read about 500 profiles focused only in San Francisco. For experiment purposes, I'm focusing on guys 20 - 40 and that's it on search criteria. You have the option of choosing further search parameters but if I did I would only be interested in five people (not that I'd know or anything). I'm pretty damn proud of my profile and so my self-righteous ass will now explain the most common profile problems for men - from the female point of view. *picks nose and scratches crotch*
- DO NOT post pictures of you with other girls. Seriously, I cannot stress this enough. You don't look like a stud, you look like a walking STD and a douche to boot. I don't care if that's your sister, she's hot.
- Don't list your income. This one is kinda taboo but unfortunately, one of the search options is by income and don't think for one minute there aren't women out there who do it. The more vague you are, the more searches you'll pop up in.
- Be funny - even if you have to rip off someone else. This is such an easy fix. Even if it's a one-liner where you quote Men In Tights.
- No pictures of you holding your cell phone up to a mirror. This says you have no friends. Sorry but it's true.
These fixes will have your profile looking better than 90% of the ones on there. Ok, now that I feel I've done my civic duty. I'm back to emailing random guys about random things. I'm optimistic about my progress and feel like this.
My profile is goofy and that's the point. It's complete with pictures at Santacon, a full body shot (because I know guys get so T.O.'d when there isn't one) and a picture of me helping to locate Lionel Richie.
Yes Lionel, it's you we're looking for!
Initial Impressions about Match:
- Every. Single. Guy...is a world traveler. Seriously, where in the hell do these guys get the money to ditch work for 6 months to surf in Bali? I'm guessing "Marketing Entrepreneur" is slang for living off of mommy and daddy's dime. Delete!
- Wholly crap there are a lot of older, balding fat guys who truly believe they have a shot with any woman under 30. They will flood your inbox, sending the exact same email over and over again. Luckily you can block these douchesticks on Match. Good luck guy...and yeah, I want fries with that.
- Men, please please stop lying about height. Seriously, women don't want men shorter than they are. If you're really short - go for Asian chicks. But since you won't, I've devised a simple formula - whatever height they list, minus two inches. And ladies, if you really want to be a dick, wear you highest heels (guilty!! *raises hand like a drag queen*). Women, stop lying about weight. You aren't fooling anyone.
- Just like in the real world, people are shy online too. Sometimes they're just terrible writers or insanely awkward. Be wary of the good writers, this isn't their first rodeo...
- If you're even slightly cute, funny or a decent conversationalist you CAN get laid using this medium. Seriously, pack your condoms kids (ladies - bring different sizes. Awkward!!!!)
It's been six days and I've read about 500 profiles focused only in San Francisco. For experiment purposes, I'm focusing on guys 20 - 40 and that's it on search criteria. You have the option of choosing further search parameters but if I did I would only be interested in five people (not that I'd know or anything). I'm pretty damn proud of my profile and so my self-righteous ass will now explain the most common profile problems for men - from the female point of view. *picks nose and scratches crotch*
- DO NOT post pictures of you with other girls. Seriously, I cannot stress this enough. You don't look like a stud, you look like a walking STD and a douche to boot. I don't care if that's your sister, she's hot.
- Don't list your income. This one is kinda taboo but unfortunately, one of the search options is by income and don't think for one minute there aren't women out there who do it. The more vague you are, the more searches you'll pop up in.
- Be funny - even if you have to rip off someone else. This is such an easy fix. Even if it's a one-liner where you quote Men In Tights.
- No pictures of you holding your cell phone up to a mirror. This says you have no friends. Sorry but it's true.
These fixes will have your profile looking better than 90% of the ones on there. Ok, now that I feel I've done my civic duty. I'm back to emailing random guys about random things. I'm optimistic about my progress and feel like this.
LMAO! So true about guys lying about their height by a couple of inches. If he says he's 5'10" you will be lucky if he's 5'8". As a former, very successful online dater I found this to be quite amusing because it is so damn true!
ReplyDeleteWait -- so what if a guy's 5'8"? A girl will assume he's 5'6" -- so he should put 5'10"? See how this goes? You're actually telling guys to increase their height.
ReplyDeleteAt least when it comes to weight you can see the pictures and have a real idea.
Match is not bad, but http://GetLaid.us works much better for me when it come to casual sex and landing one night stands. Just my 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteADULTFRIENDFINDER.COM
ReplyDeletehttp://letshookup.xmatch.com
ReplyDelete