Five Simple Rules for Dating the Commander...

I don't like to put rules on people but sometimes you have to. Everyone has their deal breakers, the things that they know they won't be able to look past. For many people these are the same: infidelity, prone to violence, a third eye. Today I wanted to address the character issues that our heroine has decided she will not abide by, even for experimental purposes.

Character Question One: "Do you know what "Take-n'-Bake" pizza is?

• Anyone who has grown up lower-middle class, had a beyond broke stint in college or lived in a depressingly small town knows what this is. I ask this question simply to determine how much exposure to being a form of broke this person has. I grew up lower-middle class. We didn't have a lot but we made it work. We did some ghetto things (remember your bingo-card Halloween costume Mom?) but we had fun. I realized that I could not be with someone who doesn't understand what it's like to struggle financially. If they can't understand why I'm cheap frugal, then this isn't going to work. I have a chip on my shoulder and it's not going anywhere.

A staple of the Commander's childhood...

Character Question Two: "How often do you take MUNI/BART/various forms of public transportation?"

• This is a snob issue. I have a "friend" who refuses to take public transportation...even for a few blocks. This is a woman who will drive around looking for parking for an hour before bailing on you completely because she's too much of a snob to lower herself into taking a bus. This makes me absolutely sick and I have zero respect for people who think that riding San Francisco's amazing MUNI system is beneath them. We all need to get somewhere and not everyone is stupid enough to pay $40 to park. Besides, where in the hell do you think I get my best stories?

Character Question Three: "Tell me about your best friend. Are they like you?"

• My best friend is a big hearted, gregarious, borderline alcoholic...and I love him like my brother. Seriously, this man is family to me and he and I couldn't be more different. I hate it when people use the line "your friends are a direct reflection of yourself". No they aren't! If anything it says "these are people who I enjoy spending time with, even if we have nothing in common. They make me happy". I think it's a good thing when you have friends who are different from yourself - it shows that you're open minded and able to get along with all kinds of people.                                    

Character Question Four: "What was the last event you went to in the city?"

• I love this question because it say more about their social style than anything else could. Those who know me, know that I will never miss Pride, love going to Hardly Strictly, and am now a lifelong SantaCon participant. Based on listing just these events, you can deduce that I am a gay-rights supporter who enjoys various live music in the park and drunken reverie with large crowds dressed in a Santa costume. It's ok, you can say it - I know I'm fun too. With so many things to do in this city and excuses to meet people, if you aren't open to attending events, even the ones out of your comfort zone - this isn't going to work. I'm a social person who likes to dress in costumes and grab large amounts of friends for public bonding times. I'm pretty open-minded and am working on being more accepting. I really hope you are too.

I would totally hang out with this guy

Character Question Five: "What's your favorite joke?"

• This question is kind of a trick. As much as it kinda ashames me, I have a raunchy no-holds-barred sense of humor. It doesn't mean I'm racist or sexist or hate babies, I just think (like attraction) you can't control what you kind funny. Come on, don't try to tell me you haven't snickered at the "I've fallen and I can't get up!" commercial (wow, I just dated myself). Even my mother who loves elderly people laughed at that one (and then subsequently told me, "don't laugh it's not funny"). If you can't get behind each other's sense of humor it's gonna be hard to find commonality. This has been my experience with dating but then, I've only had relationships with snarky, funny men.

Try to get through it, I dare you!

What are your deal breakers? (I know you have them dammit!) Let me know in the comments and remember - always preheat your oven to 350 degrees BEFORE leaving the house to pick up your pizza.