"Yes, go date! Hell, pick someone up on your way to work!"
~ My "Shrink"…or as I call him - Best. Therapist. Ever.
Maybe I should go back a bit. There come certain times in everyone's life where they realize they have turned into a walking cliche. Don't get me wrong, I've been getting happier since my breakup and making great progress but I inadvertently found myself falling into a pattern. I'd work 12-16 hours, come home to immediately get into my oversized, comfy pj's and watch Giants games or Chinese dramadies. I don't know how, I don't know why but Chinese love story-comedies were calming me down. Can I speak Mandarin? No. Can I read the subtitles in Cantonese? No, but I can understand screaming, dramatic acting and when the wacky music plays, knowing something funny is going to happen. As Tom asks, "Are you watchin' yer stories?" Yes…asshat...
"We Get Marred & Hot Mom"…I have a pretty decent grip of what's going on
This has pretty much been my M.O. for months when I wasn't out on my usual friend dates with Claud, Zoe and Amanda. For the most part, this is fine...until one particular evening three weeks ago. It was only 7:30 pm but I had already been awake for 18 hours and was in zombie mode. I was lying on my couch, watching QVC (Issac Mizrahi baby!), waiting for "We Get Married" to start and eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. I was content but suddenly I was able to see through the reflection on the tv of what I really was - every bad single-woman-over-30 stereotype that exists. All I was missing was the cats.
How I've seen my future…she looks a lot like my mom though….
I dropped the peanut butter onto my fat-girl pj pants and realized that time is important - my time is important. I decided this was it - the mourning period is over. The next day, I started getting back into Commander mode - making it known that I was back into the dating experiment and open to trying again. The gang was supportive and wished me luck but there was one person who I needed the ok from since we've done a lot of work together to help me with the breakup.
My therapist and I have an interesting relationship. For a year I've only seen him when I'm hysterically crying, questioning myself or numb from the world. I always say at the end of every session, "I wish you could know me when I'm not fucked up". He always gives me a non-condescending smile and says the same thing, "I know you're not, you're just going through a fucked-up situation". Now my therapist is not what most people think of when they think of "shrinks". Sure, he's a kind, open and empathetic guy who also happens to be covered neck to toes in tattoos, teaches yoga around the world, throws the f-bomb around as much as I do and is not above wearing hipster shirts at 40. Needless to say, we feel very comfortable around each other. So when he saw me today - actually looking like myself and not clutching a box of tissues, he said "wow, I take it you have something to tell me?" to which I told him that I was...over it, I think. Over the last year and a half of feeling like I was expendable and not in the good action movie kind of way.
Awesome!!!!!! (note - I still want a bear with an "Expendables" shirt or flag)
As cheezy as it sounds, something flipped on. My heart was hardened again and my mind clear. I felt like I needed.. no, craved to dive back into dating. My therapist doesn't mince words and said "congrats - you are over it! I see it in the way you're carrying yourself. Go out and have as many adventures as you can - Doctor's orders". I wondered aloud about "what if I feel insecure? Find myself in another relationship? Get rejected? Am too nice?" As I paced around the office he calmly said, "believe me, keep being and looking like you are today and you'll be fine. Trust me". I do so I just had to grin and assure him I'll be ok. As I was leaving he said "I always knew you weren't fucked-up. I'm glad you now see it too". I had to give him a hug for that one..so I wouldn't cry. (That's the last time I'll get serious, I promise). I rolled out feeling like a million bucks....and like a lion on the prowl. I smiled at every attractive man I saw regardless of age. Got a few dirty looks from the gay ones (or maybe because I was covered in sweat from the walk) but mostly shocked men smiled back. I realized, I can do this. I just needed to hear it from the doc - "yes, go date! Hell, pick someone up on your way to work!" I didn't take his advice that day but there are other days ahead. I'd like to think it was a coincidence that Hall & Oates' "Maneater" came on my shuffle but maybe not.
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